>the last two days have been pretty blah. stayed at home for the most part. i think i’m starting to miss home. i’m all shopped out and ate more taiwanese food than my taste buds could handle. tomorrow’s going to be our last day in taipei before we take a 3-day trip down to tainan (up until a few months ago, i thought tainan was north…it just sounds so north…) to visit our grandpa. our cousin’s going to take us shopping again for the last time in taipei before we head off to tainan. hopefully we get to visit the Core Pacific Ciy (Living Mall) at night. The pictures online look amazing, I hope to take some of my own! then after that, it’s off to the country life…
with all the time i had in the past two days, i’ve been thinking. about my indecisiveness to different situations. my shades were never very solid. they usually waver in the grayscale. but for most people, it seems things are always in black and white. if they know they want something, they go and get it. they know when something is right, and when something is wrong. i have to think about it first, weigh out the options before making my decision. i like to think that i’m a great debater–i can never make a decision because I argue both sides so well! usually it’s emotion vs. reason. and i find that i’m either happy when i go with my emotion (which usually ends up wrong) or i suffer for going with reason (but logically is right). which is why diets never work out for me. my reasoning tells me that healthy eating is beneficial. it tells me: eat broccoli, drink milk, think of all the nutrients and benefits! but then comes MCDONALD’S! reason panics and tells me to stick to the right path. think about the brussel sprouts! McDonald’s interjects: think about the McNuggets, baby! (McDonald’s is a girl). and then right there, i’m done for. but sometimes, situations aren’t as simple as choosing what food to eat. non-simple life situations. i’m 21. i have about two years left in college and my mom’s getting ready to retire. she wants me to continue the family business, which i have no interest in. my interests lie more in the creative field, and currently, photography is filling that void. do i entirely ditch the jewelry business and do what i love, risking failure with no safety net and i-told-you-so’s from those that suggest the practical path? or should i learn jewelry all the way and benefit from the capital that i already have?
and, as bad as this is going to sound, there’s the added burden of learning to “trust in god.” as many times as i’ve heard it, as well as having been in church for about 5 years, the concept is still so foreign to me. probably because i don’t do it. i believe theres a god, but when i think of trusting in him, i think of somebody dropping everything and sitting idly by, twiddling their thumbs, waiting for god provide a sign for their next move in life. like shaking an eight ball and waiting for a triangle to determine your fate. but in this case, god will set a plant on fire. a cool, blue flame. and a voice will come out. brice, all signs are green, go forth in your path of photography. something tells me that’s not going to happen. and i don’t like the idea of sitting around, it feels like wasted time. i need to be doing something, either reading about something career-related that will benefit me in the long run, or wasting my time on facebook, which still seems more productive than sitting around. so if you ask me to sit still and spend quiet time, i can’t. blame the a.d.d., but i can’t ever stay in one place for too long, which is why i hate long prayers. especially when people just start blabbering empty words to take up space, as if they have to meet a required duration with god before their requests are validated.
but all that aside, there are times i stop and think. all these worries and concerns i have–they’re all so self-centered. why am i so concerned with my life and if it’s accomplished it’s greatest potential, yet completely ignore the very being that gives it any meaning at all? this always stops me in my tracks. but then i wake up the next morning, and my life resumes to my old worldly habits. the thing with bad habits is they become a part of who you are. to change it would have to be learning to put to death a piece of yourself. that’s something i’m not sure i know how to do.
so here i am, afraid to go on with pursuing a career for fear of feeling guilty for not having spent time with god, yet at the same time, feeling if i spend time with him, i’m losing out on what i could be doing instead.
it’s kind of annoying but this is my life right now. being stuck in the grayscale.