Sometimes, I feel like my life is a resume and prospective friends are HR.
My problem is that I can’t bear to run into something I can’t excel in and take credit for. If I’m not good enough at a certain thing, I feel my friends will one day realize I’m useless and leave me. I’ve always had a problem with finding my identity and self-worth in approval from others, or measuring my success with their’s. In 8th grade, I studied Hot 97’s radio playlist every week so I could download the latest hiphop track and show it to my black friends. Emmanuel always thought I had the hottest jams. In 9th grade, I bought my first CD: Lil Jon’s “Crunk Juice” and wore XXXXL t-shirts from Champs. It was also that year that dropped out of honors from playing computer games. In 10th grade, I tried going “emo,” but my legs were too fat for skinny jeans. But I did want 10x hoodies of assorted colors from American Apparel and Vans/Converses. In 11th grade, I started playing guitar and singing for church because I saw other people doing it and thought I could do it better. I also thought it would score me some cool points with church people. I still have issues being myself in front of most people because I’m conscious of what they might think about me. I get really discouraged or sad when I feel somebody is disappointed in me because I couldn’t perform a certain task well.
Because my life is a resume and prospective friends are HR.